Insanity Crash: The Worst Font in the World and Other Stories.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, and I hate fucking Comic Sans.
Hamlet, Hamlet, William Shakespeare.

Every so often, an email is sent out to everyone on my project. This is a good thing, as flat tires, car lights on and pies are good announcements that allow everyone to be told of certain events or indeed certain pieces of information that wholly useful to people, and then, there is the useless ones. As is the way with the internet, once you have done something, it is very hard to take it back, as screen captures, archived and cached versions and living memory store pretty much anything that anyone ever uploads or places online, and this is a great thing – it allows us to search for objects that we might be interested in without ever feeling that we have truly missed the boat. At least until someone sends out a virus warning, an announcement about some scam, or the worst, a piece of “advice” on how to conduct your self.

There are many culprits, and they range from simple errors of judgement, but diminish all respect that an email could have. There are certain things that you must do before sending an email to everyone to stop embarrassment.

1. Check and Google. This allows for your4 email to not be ridiculed as a fake or a tale everyone has been emailed to at least five times over every email address. I recently had a virus threat from 1999 that wasn’t even real in the first place! They call it a phantom virus, by clogging up email systems with large lists of emails sent to everyone warning of a virus that doesn’t exist. A simple search for the text in Google will filter the bullshit from the real.
2. Don’t send something that you haven’t read. An email forwarded is something that is the worst kind of email. But, the worst kind of foraw3rd is that of a conversation to a person who was not included in the first place. This means that all the bitching and all the previous text can be transferred to anyone, and is how stories are leaked. A good example of this is when replying to all, don’t removed people from the reply to list as someone will notice and add them back it, leading them to you.
3. Chose your font wisely. Never, under any circumstances, use Comic Sans. It ruins anything your email was trying to say as it the worst font you can imagine, and any site that uses it looses a million points on anyone’s scale. Never use Times New Roman. Another terrible font, pre 2007 Office’s default, everyone used it at school, and any document that is printed in it should be shredded and then tipped onto the persons desk. Never use Verdana in a size larger than point 10, as the larger it is the more like Comic Sans it becomes, and the same goes for Verdana. A good guide is to use Trebuchet or the new default Calibri, as they are still refreshingly new, or use the basic and classic Arial (or Arial Narrow). The difference these simple rules will make to your email writing is incalculable.
4. Never, ever EVER use stationary. It is the worst thing in any Outlook program – use it and you shall be cursed by the bastard Paper Clip for all eternity.
5. Finally, if you are going to have a signature, be it on an email or in a message forum, keep it to text, and keep it short. Don’t list all the letters you have gained through your academic triumphs as it smacks of pomposity, and has a real sense of showing off. If you are going to have a signature, don’t put the rubbish “Save the environment. Think before printing this email out” or other variant – I will never print an email in my life, as it is slightly backward. If I need a hard copy of your comments, I will expect you to provide me with them directly. If you have a pretend signature using one of the handwritten fonts you have killed a small child in an orphanage – it is that shocking.

The above apply at all times, without exception. However, there is the golden rule, the zeroth law for emails. If you are going to send one, expect it to be forwarded to someone. That forward button should have never been invented. If you are going to use the forward function, moderate and filter the below emails; Not just for your sake, but for the sake of others.

Stay safe.