A Toast… to Toast

Thank god for the Maillard Reaction, seriously. I honestly do not know what I’d do without it. Yesterday Steve told me a story of a man who found a dead mouse inside his loaf of bread, at which Steve said it would’ve been “enough to put me off bread for life” and as I thought of finding a dead mouse in my bread I realised that I couldn’t honestly think of anything that would stop me eating bread.

Not even the prospect of dying from bread consumption could stop me from having a slice or two at bed time. The reason for this is the connotations it has with sleep – a cup of tea and a slice of toast, hopefully Edinburgh Tea Company Scottish Breakfast (I know, at night, but sue me, yeah?) and Hovis Wholemeal Medium lightly toasted with a slight glaze of butter (and maybe Jam if I’m feeling sexy, or even some Pate if I am feeling posh).

Not even the prospect of finding a dead rat inside my loaf would make me stop eating bread because I know the percentage of good, no… great loafs that I have outweigh the possibilities of a tainted loaf almost a billion to one. And I’d probably chalk it up to a test set by the toast and bread gods to see if I am truly a believer, like the way a fundamentalist Christian believes that the fossils of dinosaurs are there to test their faith.

No, toast is as much a part of me as eating burgers at restaurants are and that’s probably not going to change. So, as I raise this slice of wholemeal bliss towards the heavens, I shall exclaim “TO TOAST!” and much on the slightly singed bread and the crumbs that jovially flake off onto my jumper and I smile as the crunch and the heat warms my mouth. I close my eyes and dream of a toast filled heaven, unlimited butter, an instantaneous toasting machine and God himself, picking crumbs out of his beard as he nods, winks and says “Fuck me, I was proud when I made Adam, then amazed when I made Eve our of his rib, but when you guys finally figured out that overcooked bread was better than normal bread… well, I knew my creation was complete” and I’ll nod and take another bite and a sip of my tea. This picture is enough to make me a true believer in God himself.

Toast: Better than bread since 1921.