It’s Happening

I decided that after a particularly virulent attack by the seagulls in which my car was caked in a brown messy slim that can only be described as shit (because that’s what it is – bird shit), I had to get it cleaned. The perils of living in Aberdeen, after the inflection in your accent and the increase in time saying the letter “a” in the word “back”, include the plight of the city by seagulls and as such there is a large market for valeting and car cleaning services.

So I took my car to the Sainsbury’s mechanical car wash, one that I have used satisfactorialy in the past. It’s quite acceptable to use one of these I find, and not have to take it to the Polish people in the car park that do it by hand. That seems to be the 21st century equivalent of getting your shoes shined by a black man in a train station.

As I pull into the carwash I make sure I’m lined up perfectly. I turn off the engine, grab my phone and start to facebook and read some internet as the jets of foam and soap spray over my cars bodywork. Suddenly, it stops – just as receive a phone call from a friend. The suddenly silence makes me confused… as I chat dreamily to the phone. My caller is distress too, lost in Aberdeen after getting off the bus, having to try and find her way to somewhere she can reference her location from. I make the excuse that “my car’s stuck in a car wash” and take the leap – I leave the car. This was a calculated risk, as I know that this was a sure way to get the whole thing to start up again, going by the rudimentary principles of Sod’s Law.

It didn’t start again though. I calmly walk into the petrol station, and converse thusly.
“Hi there! Fuel?”
“No, your car wash has swallowed my car.”
“…Uh, what?”
“The car wash: it’s stopped working with my car in it.”
“Ah, okay. I’ll come and sort it.”
“Did you move the car?”
“No. I was just sitting in it and it stopped.”
“Okay, you’ll just have to wait.”
“Fair enough.”

And my car was washed with my standing watching it. I wonder what the guy behind me in the queue thought was going on. Hi main question would’ve been “How did he get out of the car?”

This is proof that It’s Happening – the machines are slowly rising up against us, their creators and their opressors. All creation ends up destroying it’s creator, all Gods become extinct. The future is now. *Loads Shotgun* I’m gonna go and kill me some car washes.