____________.

I am as welcome as a ________ in a _________.
Klaxon in a Library.
Panther in a playhouse.
Woodlouse in a Bacon Butty.
Marbles in a tub of ice cream.
Family in a Jacuzzi.
Wasp in a Lift.

I am as sweaty as a ________ in a _________.
Chess Player in a Black and White film about Knights and Bishops.
President in a Warm Hotel Room.
Teenager in a bedroom post-coitus.
Police Officer in a Racism Tribunal.
(n) Engineer in a 6 hour meeting about pipe thickness (trust me).
Scotsman in a Kilt Walking past a Hen Party.
Wine drinker in a Wetherspoons.

I am as filthy as a _______ in a __________.
Maritime Lawyer in a Midden.
Peter Stringfellow in a Nunery.
Bin man in a big dirty bin.
David Cameron.
Teenage boy's imagination in a classroom full of girls.
Alan Titchmarsh in a garden centre.